I gotta say, I'm getting really sick of these hurricanes.  I have survived yet another hurricane (Katrina), which hit the Gulf Coast Monday.  I stayed for this one because it was only a category 5, and I needed the added excitement in my life this week, because I was frankly have been bored - not having to nearly escape death for at least several weeks now.

I have talked to many locals to the Pensacola, Orange Beach, and Gulf Shores area, and they say that the amount of hurricanes that have been wrecking the Gulf coast in the past 2 years has been very strange indeed.  This is something that never really used to happen with this intensity and frequency…

Hmmm.....

I have several theories as to why all these hurricanes suddenly started popping up, some of which involve me, though I am not certain which one will prove to be correct.

1. Hurricane Homing Beacon
   There are several theories as to how birds know how to navigate south when migrating for the winter.  One involves ultrasonic sound waves caused by wind blowing over mountain tops.  Thought the birds do not consciously register these sounds, it is interpreted by their brain and they have an innate sense of where “south” is.  Another theory has to do with the earth's magnetic fields, and that birds unconsciously register the magnetism in a section of their brains and use it to navigate.
   
   In a similar manner, I theorize that I have a bodily odor or metal plate in my head that somehow gives off a scent or otherwise acts as a homing mechanism for hurricanes.  While I grew up in Michigan, the hurricanes off of Lake Michigan were not too bad, so this did not pose a lethal threat.  In fact, it was so cold there that they (the hurricanes) probably just didn't bother to show up, figuring it wasn't worth the trouble.  Now that I have moved to the Gulf coast, the hurricanes can smell me, and they are migrating my way.
   
   
2. “The Family”
   It is possible that when I first moved down here that I angered one of the smaller tropical storms, and he went back crying to the ocean, and talked to his big brother hurricane who just happened to be a member of “The Hurricane Family”.  They've sent 2 hits out on me already (or at least 2 that have come close) and now a third one is coming my way again. 
   
   I don't know what made the little guy mad.  It could have been when I was commenting on what a gentle breeze was blowing when the little tropical storm came through.  It could have been when I started to make fun of the tropical storm's mother, or when I started telling "Yo' hurricane momma" jokes on the porch.  It may have even been when I made obscene hand gestures and started slapping the tropical storm across the face after tying him nude to a tall oak and spraying him with sugar water so the insects would get him.  I don’t know.  I somehow angered a little tropical storm somewhere, and now it is open season on me.
   
   
3. Giant Evil Government-Funded Hurricane Machine
   There are nice condos, and then there are crappy bungalows on the Gulf coast.  The crappy ones that are falling apart, sit on land worth about 50 times what the house that sits on they are worth. 
   
   The government is evil, and likes money.  The government watches you via high-powered satellites in space while you are taking a shower, and taxes you until you barely have even enough money to buy that new bigscreen TV.  They are awful.
   
   It stands to reason, then, that the government is behind these hurricanes because they could (A) stand to make money and (B) Do evil things, all at once.
   
   Evil Florida government officials have spearheaded a government-funded project in Antarctica since World War II, where they have been building a huge machine to control the weather patterns by warming up sections of the globe and causing localized pressure changes.  This machine, among other things, allows them to manufacture hurricanes, which they can direct towards the crappy bungalows to knock them down, so that developers can buy out the land and build high-rise condos there, and give a cut to the evil government… people.

Well, all of these are of course theories, just as sound as those you might find in a science text book, and are all based on pure indisputable fact, as you can plainly see.  Though not all of these of course could be simultaneously true, I am pretty sure it is one of those.  Well, as to which one is the true reason, I leave for you to decide.