Blue Shirts And Bottle Rockets, No More
By: Mike Malburg

Ahh the good old days when I was younger than I currently am.  The good times we shared, the arm hair and eyebrows we burnt off ourselves, the pants Chad would refuse to wear in the middle of the winter.  These things are but a quickly fading memory of one of the original Brotherhood - The Chad.

Chad was the most super-cool guy to hang out with if you could stand the smell that emanated from his "favorite sneakers".  We would always hang out when he was around, and have the greatest of times.  And then one summer, that all changed.  He came back from camp, and informed us that those "girls" he read about in video game magazines actually existed, and that one actually talked to him at the camp.  I of course said something like, "Ooooo!  Chad has a giiiiiiiiirlfriend!!  Why don't you go MARRY her then?  Hahahahaa!!"  Apparently the sarcasm didn't quite register with Chad properly, and now 2 years later, here he is - he IS going to marry this Sara girl.

Yeah, we have a lot of fond memories about Chad that nobody will ever know about, except for those of us in the Brotherhood.  Like the time Chad shot off bottle-rockets out of the window of a moving car and we got pulled over by that nice police officer and had a nice little chat.  Or the time we went out screamed that we were "Lothar of the Hill people" to those nice boaters who taught us some new words that day.  Or the time we sent S.O.S. signals to that boat with a 2,000,000 candle-power flashlight.  Yep, times like these we will look back upon still and laugh, because nobody else will ever know about them.  Don't worry Chad, your secrets are safe with us!

Chad, We Hardly Knew Ye
By:  Jordan Racey

Today is November 12.  The 20^th is only 8 days away.  What happens on the 20^th of November, you may ask?  That is the day that the world changes forever.  That is the day that the Brotherhood becomes forever sundered, as one of our members disappears into an abyss from which no man escapes – the abyss of marriage.

Who is this much-mourned companion of ours?  He is none other than Chad Schultz, whom I have personally known since we were nine and eight years old, respectively.  Chad and I have, most of the time with Mike and Kevin, played pranks, traveled across the country, laughed ourselves sick, made hilarious movies and music videos, and done innumerable dumb and funny things, the most notable of which nearly caused a forest fire.

We have lost more hours in front of a computer monitor or a movie screen or a television blaring a video game than it would take to build an entire football team from scratch – starting with the genetic engineering and going from there.

On the 20^th, all that goes away.

Why is it going away?  Simple.  Her name is Sara Fisher, and Chad likes her better than he likes us.  A lot better, apparently.  We didn’t think Chad even liked girls, but one day last summer, he came back from a tour of duty at Center Lake Bible Camp - which, it turned out, he spent 90% of goofing around with and mooning after Sara.  I’m serious.  Like five of his kids last summer drowned in Center Lake, and then bears swam out, dragged up their bodies, and devoured them on the beach in the middle of the day.

 Anyway, he came home and said:

“Hey, I’ve met this girl Sara at Center Lake and I’ve given her some bits of my soul and a vial of my blood and in about a year and a half we’ll get married and I’ll move to Hart and you’ll never ever see me again.  Not that you will anyway, because I’ll be, uh, busy the whole time in between.”

I’m serious.  He actually said all that, and then scurried away.  I have seen Chad maybe three times since that day, which add up to a grand total of twenty-five minutes, ten of which I spent chasing his car down US-10.

To top it all off, I’m stuck in England while they get married.  Not that I would attend anyway, but it just sticks in my craw that I can’t hide in the parking lot of our church and throw rotting meat at their honeymoon car as they drive off.  Nevertheless, I’m really gonna miss that balding, blond retard.  We will burn a thousand bottle rockets in his honor.

Godspeed, brother.  We will not see your like again.

Girls are the Devil!
By:  Kevin Gerhart

Take it from me, Chad.  I know a few things about girls.  I’m not what you would can an expert or anything, but I’ve made acute observations over the years and I’m here to tell you that girls are bad for you.  Sure they smell good, are better at making pizza rolls, and are typically pleasing to look at.  But the downside is they suck away your life and make you their slave!

We might want to get together and watch Monty Python or something and she will be like, “No snuggle bumpkins, you need to mow the lawn, then paint the house, then reseal the driveway, then dig a 80’ long trench in the backyard and then fill it back in.”  So like a big trusting idiot, you will do all these things, and when you are done, she will have another list for you.  It’s a trap!  If you get married, we will never see you again!

It’s not too late to get out of this, Chad!  Just tell this Sara girl that you don’t wanna do this whole marriage thing and you just want to go hang out with us… forever.  She’ll understand!  Then we can work on getting Mike to move back up here and get Jordan to knock off that stupid “studying old dead crap that don’t matter” thing and we could have good times like the olden days.  Maybe even make that “Batman 4” movie that we always talked about!

I mean seriously, how are we supposed to hang out, farting and scratching our various crevices with girls hanging around?  Come on Chad, you don’t see me hanging around with some silly girl!  I’m way too smart for that!