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Tales of a Ninja-Death Kitten: What She's Really Thinkin'
ORANGE BEACH, AL - 2004-11-05
BY MIKE MALBURG
There are communication issues between me and my kitten. Nala, the recently proclaimed Ninja-Death Kitten, just doesn't understand me at all I've come to realize. I think that I'm a pretty good pet owner. I feed her regularly and give her free reign over my bedroom. Sure I don't let her outside, but shes an inside cat, and I live in an apartment. I can't exactly take her out for a walk, though that is an idea and would be an interesting experiment...
Regardless, either she thinks I'm pure evil, or she is in fact a large percentage evil herself. The following are some common scenarios where we just don't seem to understand where the other is coming from:
V01D: "Hey it's 6:30 in the AM. I think I'll feed Nala."
Nala: "Hehe, its 6:30 in the AM. Any minute he'll get up. Haha. There he is. Up. OK, time to circle around the legs in a figure-8 till he trips. Oh! He tripped. Hahahahaha. So, ya gonna feed me you lazy bum? Gonna feed me gonna feed me gonna feed me gonna feed me - FOOD! Ohmygossh food! Claw at the bag! Claw at the bag makes it come out faster. Get your hands off my bag of food! MY food! Just leave the bag! Gah! Stupid humans."
V01D: "Well, I'm home from work. I think I'll check on Nala's food and then perhaps attempt to pet her if she'll let me."
Nala: *Yawn* "Just woke up from a hard days sleep - er, I mean work. Ugh. Not this guy again; I can hear you coming down the hallway. The guy that didn't leave the bag this morning. Stupid guy. Don't pick me up! He picked me up. Ugh. Too tired to resist. Gimme a minute to wake up. OK, he's petting me. I guess this is OK. This petting and sitting on his lap is too comfortable. I'll give him about 30 seconds and then I'm done. 30 seconds is up, time to scratch my way out. OK, time to chase and scratch things."
V01D: "I think it's time to play a computer game or watch a movie or something equally involving sitting down in front of some form of moving picture box. Perhaps Nala will let me do this for the next 2 hours without killing me."
Nala: "I'm gonna kill him. He's dead already! The minute he turned on that moving picture box, he signed his death warrant. OK, go for the toes. The toes hold the life-force of all humans. Haha! I've caught a moving toe with both claws and my teeth. This toe ain't goin' nowhere. OK, start sucking out his lifeforce through the toe. Gotta get a better grip with my teeth, let me let go a second and clamp on even harder - THERE we go! He's howlin' now. I can hear his life-force draining from him. Mwuhahahaha!!!"
V01D: "Gee, it's getting close to around late-thirty. I should probably sleep an hour or threeve."
Nala: "Oh no you don't. Don't you dare lay down. Oh, tryin' to sleep on MY watch, will ya? You got another thing comin', buddy! This is the part of my evening where I now chase things that don't move, and make as much noise as I can. Haha. Found the little round human sound-torture bell spheres he got me by accident. Oh yeah. He's not gettin to sleep. What's this? He's got the pillow over his head to drown me out?? you need a good TOE-biting is what YOU need! Aww, I got one but he put another blanket over it, and now I can't clamp down and drain his life-force. Ooo. There are his hands by that pillow. Next best thing to toes. Hahaha. Lets clamp down on one-a THESE babies! Oh yeah, and he's howlin'!! Hahahaha!"
In closing, I would just like to update the reader to say that as soon as my toes come out of traction, the doctor said that the prosthetic toe replacements they have been replaced with look almost like real toes anyway...
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VO1D: there is help available! - 11/05/2004 07:24:17AM CST (11/05/2004 08:24:17AM EST)
Posted By: Jordan's Beard's Brother's Not-Really Beard, in Holland
Have you considered help from a licensed owner-pet counselor specializing in ninja-death kittens? Remember, communication is VITAL in relationships between computer programmers and their ninja-death kittens. Plus, getting prosthetic replacements constantly when Nala bites off your fingers and toes get kind of expensive, don't they?
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get a 2nd cat! - 11/05/2004 09:12:22AM CST (11/05/2004 10:12:22AM EST)
Posted By: buzzard
Just get a second kitten. Then they can bite each other and chase around the apartment. It won't cure the whole noise issue, but your prosthetic apendages will stay intact.
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Get another cat, get another cat!! - 11/05/2004 02:12:47PM CST (11/05/2004 03:12:47PM EST)
Posted By: V01D
Thats what everyone is saying. I dunno. I don't particularly want a houseful of cats, I just really just wanted one. Oy.
However, judging by the extreme odor from my shoes today, I have come up wth another theory about why she seems to hate my feet enough to bite toes off of them...
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pick me! - 11/06/2004 09:25:15AM CST (11/06/2004 10:25:15AM EST)
Posted By: a sad kitty that needs a home
I'm perfect for your house! I will beat up on that other kitten and together we will torment your feet! Please pick me!
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Are you a sad kitty? Do you need a home? Talk to Mike! - 11/16/2004 04:52:42AM CST (11/16/2004 05:52:42AM EST)
Posted By: Jordan's Beard
We'd like to refer every sad kitty in need of a home that may be reading our website to contact Mike at void@thenullset.com. Mike is easily charmed by small fluffy kittens and will not be able to resist your pitiable cries and shoulder-clinging when he says "Well, kitty, I'd love to keep you, but..."
I think the guilt that will exponentially pile up on our easily cowed webmaster will be absolutely priceless to watch.
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Help Me Mikey - 11/07/2004 05:05:25PM CST (11/07/2004 06:05:25PM EST)
Posted By: a poor, poor, doomed kitty
Mikey, won't you help a poor kitty? I am extremely cute, fluffy, cuddly, and only want to be loved. Unfortunately, if I am not adopted by a kind and beneficient owner by next Wednesday I am going to be "put down" due to overpopulation.
In other words, Mike, you can save a cute adorable animal from being taken out back and beaten to death with a pooper-scooper and then ground up into fish-food by the Kitty-Grounder 2000.
Please help me Mike, I am purring with hopefulness already.
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Listen retard! - 11/08/2004 11:25:44AM CST (11/08/2004 12:25:44PM EST)
Posted By: Not important
I already told you, either 1.) Get another, slightly older cat. This slightly older cat will play with and tire out the both of them, leaving time to do things like sleep and such and such. 2.) Put cat somewhere else, (i.e. outside of bedroom at night,) without loud sounding toys. Perhaps putting cat in another no accustically-viable room?
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Shock Treatment - 11/08/2004 12:28:28PM CST (11/08/2004 01:28:28PM EST)
Posted By: Charlie Thompson
I saw a dog wearing a shock collar today... and it got me thinking. Why not get a small... possibly 9v shock collar, but with one slight modification. The shock collar would be set off by remote control! Keep the controller on your key ring, and when the Ninja-Death kitten tries to siphon the life-force from your toe, push the "Ouch!" button. After a few weeks of that, she'll associate siphoning life-forces with pain. Wow, I'm a genius... I gotta market this stuff... shoot, I just put my great idea out for all the world to see didn't I. Crap...
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pushing the "Ouch!" button - 11/16/2004 04:52:42AM CST (11/16/2004 05:52:42AM EST)
Posted By: Jordan's Beard
Average Pet Shock Collar Price: $99.95.
Average Price of 6V Batteries: $8.00
Getting To Push The "Ouch!" Button: ...priceless.
There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's...well, your bank account and credit cards, I guess.
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The Ouch Button.com - 11/08/2004 01:45:58PM CST (11/08/2004 02:45:58PM EST)
Posted By: V01D
Yeah, as good an idea as that sounds, the problem is you have to first put the collar ON the kitten. Since she has ninja-death powers such as toe-lifeforce-sucking and the ability to leap tall computer desks with a single bound and fly through my fingers with the greatest of ease, I think the possibility of me (1) catching her (2) holding onto her for the necessary time to put on the shock collar and (3) her actually LETTING me put something around her neck without nearly killing me is extremely slim.
And also, Charlie, you are a cruel and horrible human being for thinking on putting a shock collar on a cute little ball of ninja-fur (or is that NINJ4?).
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RE: The Ouch Button.com - 11/08/2004 05:18:40PM CST (11/08/2004 06:18:40PM EST)
Posted By: Jordan's Beard's Brother's Not-Really-Beard - in Holland
Considering that Achilles died because of a wound to his famous "Achilles Heel," does that mean we'll have a new idiom for "VO1D's Toes" since the ninja-death kitten is sucking the lifeforce out VO1D through his toes? If the "VO1D's Toes" are common among people besides computer-programming folks in Alabama who own ninja-death kittens & conjure up goofy websites with their cybermagic, then perhaps we shouldn't be as concerned about the upcoming flu season as we are about the ninja-death kitten toe-sucking season by ninja-death kittens everywhere! There could be an epidemic!
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camouflage feet - 11/09/2004 06:56:18AM CST (11/09/2004 07:56:18AM EST)
Posted By: buckshot
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camouflage feat - 11/09/2004 07:02:33AM CST (11/09/2004 08:02:33AM EST)
Posted By: buckshot
is just sittin here thankin.....you oughta go git yerself some a dem camouflage feet. ein them darn ninja things cant see that camouflage. i tell you what you could get that camouflage den play yur nintendo game thangs for hours, er, well I reckon you could play for a long time before dat darn ninja relizes whuts goin on. well im fixin to head down to that there beer store just down that one dirt road and through that field. y'all have a good afternoon.
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Ninja-Kitten Bookmark - 11/10/2004 03:01:07AM CST (11/10/2004 04:01:07AM EST)
Posted By: V01D
So apparently Nala either (1) Wants to prevent me from reading or (2) Learns by ingestion. She's taken a recent liking to clamping her teeth down on every page of any book that im reading now, and scratching me if i try to turn the pages. Maybe she's just a slow reader, I dunno. Can anyone offer me some insight into this? Do normal kittens do this? Is she just too high on the catnip? What is it??
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Copy & Paste URL - 11/10/2004 10:04:00AM CST (11/10/2004 11:04:00AM EST)
Posted By: Mike Roberson
http://www.rightmoment.blogspot.com/Pics/free%20cat.jpg
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Re: Ninja-Kitten Bookmark - 11/16/2004 04:52:42AM CST (11/16/2004 05:52:42AM EST)
Posted By: Jordan's Beard
I think this article pretty much sums it up:
*something moves*
Nala's Brain: What? Something moved! Itmoveditmoveditmoved! Gah! Engage primal hunting instinct! Gotta kill it! Killkillkillkill!
Mike: Ow! Oh, owch! Geez, Nala, get off my Java textbook!
*Nala leaps on Mike's head, noticing that he too is moving*
Mike: AH! AARGH! OH GET HER OFF ME! OH THE PAIN! WHY DOES THE PAIN HURT SO MUCH?
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You Know What Assuming Does - 11/10/2004 11:55:37AM CST (11/10/2004 12:55:37PM EST)
Posted By: V01D
Oh, so now just because I'm a huge computer nerd you automatically assume that I was reading from one of my Java books (ok, so I DO own 8 of them or so...). I was doing nothing of the sort. It was one of my C# books, and so totally different.... Er, wait..... Crap thats the same.
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RE: Ninja-Kitten Bookmark - 11/12/2004 02:01:04AM CST (11/12/2004 03:01:04AM EST)
Posted By: Jordan's Beard's Brother's Not-Really-Beard
No, Mike... if Nala is high on catnip, then she wouldn't try and scratch you when you turn the pages in your book. Catnip would likely make her ask you to push the button on your laser pointer and wave it around so she can go insane again and chase it. Have you ever thought of that?
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This article is way too true - 11/29/2004 03:58:54AM CST (11/29/2004 04:58:54AM EST)
Posted By: Fenrir
Wow, I never thought that there was a cat that was as crazy as mine. I guess I was wrong. Catnip is not involved. If you ever introduce your cat to catnip, you will lose more that just toes, your cat will go for the whole foot or perhaps part of your room, like a wall or a bed. Catnip should be avoided at all costs.
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The Cat-Nip Controversy - 11/29/2004 12:26:36PM CST (11/29/2004 01:26:36PM EST)
Posted By: Charlie Thompson
I'll have to disagree with Fenrir here... heh, a rhyme... I just kill myself sometimes... but I digress. My experience with drugging *cough* I mean allowing my kitty to play with cat-nip has always been quite enjoyable. She plays with her little ball for a while, maybe 5 minutes, then kinda walks away, starts running around... falls, then proceeds to sleep for a few hours. Honestly, I think it would help ya out VO1D.
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Cat-nip binge-ry - 11/29/2004 10:14:48PM CST (11/29/2004 11:14:48PM EST)
Posted By: Jordan's Beard
Hmm...given that catnip's a stimulant (or it could be a hallucinogen and they're just going looney because they're seeing fanged tennis balls and stuff), then the crash afterward makes sense.
Wow. We don't have to write articles anymore. All we have to do is let the site sit long enough, and someone will start a new conversation... *sigh*
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Catnip bingery? - 11/30/2004 03:05:30AM CST (11/30/2004 04:05:30AM EST)
Posted By: Jordan's Beard's Brother's Not-Really-Beard - in Holland
Jordan, I told you the Null Set is threatening to go crusty again!
Anyway, I have to agree with Chris on this one. Let us remember that Nala is a ninja-death kitten, not simply a "normal," playful, joyous kitten. If, as Chris has accounted to us, a cat attacks your large objects within a certain range while buzzed on catnip, then consider how catnip's effects would be magnified on a ninja-death kitten such as Nala. I'm warning you VO1D, you're probably asking for trouble if you give Nala catnip. On the other hand, it'd probably make for some good article material...
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new death kitten - 12/11/2004 06:37:31PM CST (12/11/2004 07:37:31PM EST)
Posted By: EEE
I fear these "kittens" have been sent our by the communists to spy on us and to eventually terminate us when the time comes. The Estola family has recently aquired an all black kitten with behaviors similar to that of the original ninja death kitten. However I have discovered a lead as to who has sent these deadly felines. This particular kitten insists on being called Max. Thats right Max. Apparently she underestimates my intelligence because this is obviously an allusion to "Marx", Like Karl Marx, the creator of communism. Plus he gives me those disturbing ninja looks whenever I call him the furry little communist.
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mike call your sister - 12/12/2004 08:27:31AM CST (12/12/2004 09:27:31AM EST)
Posted By: eek, it's a girl
this is crazy. or i am crazy. i haven't looked at this site since my brother started it up and i thought: 'oh that's cute--mikey and his little computer geek friends will come together in a pseudo-community fashion, hurling tech jargon to one another like kids used to do with baseballs.'
but now i am seeing what mind-controlling power this site has had. and that even outsiders can get sucked in. 'but,' i tell myself, 'today's visit will be pragmatic. you will simply request of your brother that he call you back. you will use this posting opportunity as a message conduit. this is the only method of communication he responds to. plus, the subsequent nagging he will receive from his fellow comrades over your intrusion into thier world will send him to the phone / email begging to fulfill your requests in exchange for your retreat.' then i started reading all ya'alls comments from he last two months and surmising who is who. and.... ahhhh! so mikey, for both our own good, please call/write me about mom's gift.
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* Due to excessive bot spam, this feature has been disabled for now.
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