Well, as some of you may have heard, I'm in England at school.  The rumors are true.  So, as I'm sure I'll be asked 'What's England like?' about 2 times before people realize that the biggest advantage to me being gone was not having to hear me talk, let me take this opportunity to tell you a little bit about this not-US country that I currently occupy.  It is divided into the positive and the negative, so as they say, let's have the bad news first:

STUFF ABOUT ENGLAND THAT MAKES ME NUTS:

The Exchange Rate:  Good Lord, are we getting pummeled.  I swear, the pound sterling never drops below $1.50 in worth.  Takes the ‘Extra Value’ out of an ‘Extra Value Meal,’ I can tell you.

They Won’t Take Our Bloody Checks:  Self-explanatory.  You can easily write them in pounds sterling, but NOOO…and then they suggest that if you decide to try it, they have a man, usually named something like 'Wulfric,' who will be more than happy to discuss it with you, along with his chain mail and battle-axe.  I think it’s a conspiracy to make us use their banks.

[Post-Production Update:  A friend of mine from the UK, who asked to be identified only as 'Miss X,' said that in all fairness, US banks will not cash a UK check either.  That famous sense of British fair play again.]

Institutions Rarely Get In Touch With You Unless Something Goes Horribly Wrong:  Yeah.  As in my dad transferred a pile of $$ for fees and housing to their bank account, and the Finance Office told me ‘You’ll get a notice next week if anything goes wrong.  Cheers.’  Great.  Now I get to sit for a week wondering if my dad lost a pile of money because of an electronic error and if my school is going to yell at me about it.

We Can’t Use Classic Stereotypical British Slang:  Words like ‘bloody’ and ‘bugger,’ which consist of pretty much all of what Americans say when we attempt to sound British, are not only improper as far as grammar, but of a level of crudity as to be fit only for a bathroom wall in one of the more disreputable pubs.  The fact that they’re just ‘funny words those silly Englishmen say’ to us means nothing here.  Even ‘knackered’ (means ‘tired,’ but derived from putting down an unusable horse) is rude.  Apparently it is rude to talk about money, death, and sex in polite company.  (Not that this really seems to stop anyone from doing this, but apparently it's not the sort of thing you can let slip on a Sunday morning service in front of the vicar.  Or the dean.  Or even the sexton, or any of the other interesting church offices they have that we don't.)

I hope American TV doesn’t get shown in public very often here…never mind; too late.

Oh yes, and it turns out that they don’t actually say ‘Pip pip; cheerio!’  I know we’re all disappointed about that.

You Can’t Really Get A Good American Burger:  I went to a good pub the other day and got a big burger – it was good, but there was no American cheese in sight, and the burger was spiced strangely and definitely contained some grain to stretch it.  It was good, but not what I was hoping for.  That and the toenail clippings in the cheese were vaguely disturbing.

[Post-Production Update:  I still can't find American burgers except at Burger King, but I've found good Aussie ones that include real beef and such lunacy as slices of pineapple (surprisingly not bad).]

STUFF THAT IS ‘CLASS,’ AS THEY WOULD SAY:

The Slang That Is Available Is Pretty Good:  To replace ‘bloody’ and ‘bugger,’ I’ve learned expressions like ‘taking a wazz’ (bladder evacuation).  A good outburst of ‘Oi!’ is always a fun way to get someone’s attention.  Oh yes, and someone told me the other day I use the verb ‘nick’ (meaning ‘to steal’ and analogous to ‘pinch’) like a native Englishman.  I don’t know if that’s good or bad.  I mean, I am just a ‘Yank.’

Food’s More Than Acceptable:  The food here at school is light-years ahead of what I ate at school, although the more American schools I stop in at, the more I start to suspect that this feat is not at all difficult to accomplish.  Seriously, though, the stuff about the grub here being bad is, as they would say, complete bollocks.  (Another fun expression!)  The chips (thick-cut French fries) are much better than their American equivalents (they go soggy after about two minutes), Yorkshire pudding is a great idea, beef-onion gravy makes almost everything better (except probably ice cream), and their obsession with wrapping tasty meats up in buttery dough is one I can gloss over every day of the week.

As my fellow Yank Paul says, ‘The food is like a hug on a plate.’

People Here Actually Have Manners That They Use In Public:  You can actually bank on hearing more uses of ‘Please’ and ‘Thank You’ in two hours here than you’ll hear in the US in a week.  People hold doors for one another.  They even thank the BUS DRIVER.  I actually had someone say ‘Er, sorry,’ when I accidentally hit him in the face because I was flailing my arms around telling a story.

The Women Are Hot:  Everything you’ve heard about the deficiency of hotties in Britain is, again, complete bollocks.  Not.  True.  At.  All.  And the accents just add to the fun.

I swear, I live in a country of ridiculously hot women that Kevin will never, ever see because of his rampant xenophobia.  Har!

There’s Something Cool And Historical (Or Barring That, A Bookstore) Every Five Feet:  Self-explanatory.  These people never throw ANYTHING away.  Oh yes; and in the city center there’s a store entirely devoted to replica swords and axes and spears and stuff.  A WHOLE STORE.  That’s mind-boggling.

I know you all quit reading at "We Can't Use Stereotypical British Slang", thinking 'Man, I really hope he dies over there soon.  I don't think I can take any more of this.'  Well, too friggin' bad!  I'm the UK/European Bureau head now, and I'm bloody well gonna abuse my position!  Er, sorry, that is, if that's all right with everyone.  Hmm...I think my cultural identity is starting to blur...