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The Nullset's Greatest Hits
LUDINGTON, MI - 2004-09-20
BY THENULLSET.COM STAFF, COMPILED BY JORDAN RACEY, HYPERLINKED BY KEVIN GERHART
It's come to our attention here at the Nullset that a lot of the humor on parade here is a bit inwardly directed - if you don't know me, Mike, and Kevin, you oftentimes won't get it. With this in mind, we present the Nullset's Greatest Hits - stuff from the archives that you really ought to read, and might make some of the inside jokes we constantly and self-indulgently refer to a little more clear:
"Aquinas College To Increase Campus Network Security" - Our first article ever. Mike spouts volleys of incomprehensible technobabble in an effort to needle our buddy Desi, another tech-geek who went to Aquinas College in Grand Rapids, MI. Wasn't funny then, isn't funny now, unless you're a HUGE nerd.
"Ran Out of Tasty Cereal Today" - Mike's style of 'dumb things that happened to me recently' explodes on to the scene. Hilarious. A classic. "Dry nasty-ohs" still reduces us to hysteria.
"Bob's Black Metal Christmas Carols" - This is Bob. Bob is a slightly unhinged college friend of Mike's, who liked Christian black metal, and thought it should be applied to liven up traditional Christmas music. My personal favorite was "Deck the Halls With Rotting Corpses."
"Kevin Blows Off Mike This Weekend" - You'd think it was a humorous exaggeration, hoping no one could be this horrible, but it's actually true.
"Adventures in Stupidity: Hot Stoves + Fingers = Bad" - Another thing that actually happened to Mike. Man, is he dumb.
"Adventures in Stupidity: Mike Drops His Car Keys" - The all-time king of the Adventures in Stupidity. Be sure to read the comment boards for the REST of the story...you won't believe Mike can do anything without help afterward.
"MSN Messenger Screen Names" - A classic Kevin rant. His girlfriend Becky actually adopted the screen name he made up for this article just to annoy him.
"Couldn't Find Mike Today" - Kevin, Jordan and Chad rant about how we couldn't find Mike at all one day. Different explanations and insults are offered.
"Hey, It Could Happen (An Epic of Good versus Fat)" - Probably the best article Jordan ever wrote, and the only long one he's ever done that anyone ever liked.
"2003: A Year in Review (Probably)" - After 15 months of being nonexistent, Mike's website is back up, in its current form as thenullset.com. See what we did for the year where we had no site, and get a handle on the dumb things we continually reference to.
"Why Do I Waste My Time Like This?" - Jordan tells the world what a dirty, lying, stinking tard Kevin is when he plays Age of Empires.
"An Interview with a 'Defender of Freedom'" - Kevin's submarine mania comes full circle when it turns out he knows more about the sub our buddy Blain works on than Blain does.
"Wal*Mart Survival Tips" - Learn just what a horrible person Kevin really is as he tells you how to avoid well-meaning accquaintances in public.
"Mike versus the Annoying Beeping Box" - Another classic, wherein the longest-running gag on the site (except "Mike goes on a diet even though he isn't fat," "Kevin yells loudly about things," "Jordan can't say anything not thinky and complicated," and "Mike is dumb.") is created - "Emu Box."
"Up On the Roof" - Jordan tells the way-too-long story of how his dad completely and unecessarily disregarded personal safety. Bad mathematical proofs about how much Michigan winter weather can suck.
"Sarah Hutchinson Joins 'No Longer Objects of Kevin's Affection' List" - Kevin details every girl he has ever thought about liking. Ever.
"Proposed New Website Features Met With Skepticism" - A more or less accurate picture of life behind the scenes here at the Nullset.
"Star Trek: Voyager Season One DVD Release Flatfoots Wal*Mart, Best Buy" - Absolutely true piece of news. Not altered or exaggerated by Kevin at all. In any way.
"Loyal Readers Outraged by Nullset News Inaccuracies" - Our good buddy Curtis Miller blows the lid off the 'journalistic corruption' going on here at the Nullset.
"Gulf Shores Resident Contracts Electronically Transmitted Disease" - The most-commented article we've ever had. Debut of Dr. McFixstuff.
"Thenullset.com T-Shirts Available Soon!" - Watch Mike make a lot of empty promises about "beginning T-shirt sales sometime in late May 2004." You can see how much of that has actually happened. First article we ever did with photos. Read a lot of dumb jokes about hot models in the comment boards and see Mike steal my line about "(being able to do activity) out of a wet paper bag with a chainsaw."
"Kevin and Jordan Go to Chicago, Kevin Actually Likes It (Sort Of)" - This really happened. None of this is made up - it should be, but it isn't. Marvel at how dense our crowd really is.
"'Roses' by OutKast Most Retarded Song Ever" - Another old favorite. We actually got flamed over this one.
"Old 'Vision 2000' Sign Continues To Pointlessly Exist" - Get a tongue-in-cheek (sort of) look at our church and its pastoral staff. Second article we did with photos!
"THENULLSET.COM Slogan Contest!" - See our latest failed project, since we never announced winners of the contest, nor did we implement any of the names at all. Yeah, we really are that lazy.
"The Awesomest Bachelor Party Ever" - More photos! See the whole Nullset administrative crew get together to send one of our buddies off into the abyss of matrimony. Godspeed, Lee.
For those who truly have absolutely nothing to do and a misguided lust for backstory, we've put up an "About Us" page. We like to do a little somethin'-somethin' for the peoples like us, so here you go; here's your fix.
That should do it. Hopefully, this little list should make the bizarre references and dumb inside jokes a little clearer. You might even laugh reading it. Maybe. No guarantees.
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aweosme list - 09/22/2004 06:34:46AM CST (09/22/2004 07:34:46AM EST)
Posted By: Dorothy Gale, from Allendale
This is awesome...these are the funniest stories ever on the nullset.com. If you want to learn more about this onion.com website, this is the place to start! 5 Stars!
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Excellently done! - 09/22/2004 07:26:31AM CST (09/22/2004 08:26:31AM EST)
Posted By: Jordan's Beard's Brother's Not-Really-Beard, from Holland
This dusts off those old articles no one ever reads anymore very well. Does the readership really have THAT short of an attention span? However, I have doubts about the short descriptions' truth about how exaggerated (or not) each article is. Since Dorothy Gale, from Allendale started a points rating system on the site for this article (will that become the latest gimmick or feature), 4 stars.
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Shoot Man!!! - 09/22/2004 12:00:46PM CST (09/22/2004 01:00:46PM EST)
Posted By: John Dear
Whoa man, this sucks!!! -5 stars
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Shut your pie hole John dear - 09/22/2004 12:11:15PM CST (09/22/2004 01:11:15PM EST)
Posted By: An offended reader
hey idiot, don't you mean john doe anyway? what right do you have to say "that sucks" that is not constructive, it helps no one, and you don't even tell why it sucks, I can just imagine you sitting at your computer, probebly a large dumb animal, and randomy generating your hate at differant web sites. Just because you life sucks doesn't mean you have to mess with others. Allow me to show you how to properly critique someone/something. John dear, you suck, and this is why, you did not back up your pathetic post, and I doubt wether you even posess the capacity to READ the entire article. So as thumper's mother says "if ya can't so somethin nice, don't say nothin at all."
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Wow, take it easy - 09/22/2004 12:20:19PM CST (09/22/2004 01:20:19PM EST)
Posted By: John Dear
Hey don't get your panties all in a bunch there Mr. Offended. 'Twer merely a jest. And the whole John Dear thing, have ya ever seen dumb and dumber? well if ya had, maybe ya'd get it, so how 'bout you go watch it, cool down, pull out whatever seems to be stuck up your butt, and then read over my post again and see if you look at it differantly. This is a humorouse website mind you, filled with all sorts of funnies. So like My mamma says, "If ya can't take a joke, STAY OFF THE FRICKIN WEB SITE!!!"
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"John DEERE'S" role on the site - 11/16/2004 04:52:42AM CST (11/16/2004 05:52:42AM EST)
Posted By: Jordan's Beard
Easy there, Offended Reader. That's just Wade. He does that. A lot. He's a friend of ours, and we'd worry if he ever STOPPED saying that everything sucks. Wade exists as a sort of unofficial "Nullset Flamer".
Looks like I should've put "Famous Critical Posts By Wade Schultz" up in this article...
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Thanks! - 09/22/2004 12:42:43PM CST (09/22/2004 01:42:43PM EST)
Posted By: Tinkerbell
Dear Jordan....thank you for linking the Wade article. Everyone needs to know he can't think critically about anything ever written on the nullset. He is just jealous because HE can't write for this super awesome website! I agree with Dorothy Gale: 5 stars!
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Rating System - 09/22/2004 01:50:26PM CST (09/22/2004 02:50:26PM EST)
Posted By: V01D
Oooh boy here it comes. Now I gotta go STEAL all the star pictures from MSN.com and write a RATING system for these articles now. What do you think, I'm made of CODE??
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Unbelievable - 09/22/2004 01:54:30PM CST (09/22/2004 02:54:30PM EST)
Posted By: An offended reader
See that kind of attitude is just terrible, he is so negative about everything, and you’re defending him. I would expect different from one of the site staff. How can you allow someone so obviously detrimental to everything the site to continue posting, can’t you just ban the insensitive jerk? I mean will any one actually miss him if he is gone? I think not. Just drop the loser; I am sure he will find something else to throw his unreasonable insults against. And in response to you John Dear, I can take a joke, I just don’t find yours funny.
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RE: Rating System - 09/22/2004 01:54:43PM CST (09/22/2004 02:54:43PM EST)
Posted By: Charlie Thompson
...and while your at it, you should add user profiles. People posting random flames under anonymous user names is quite frankly anoying. If your going to rag on someone, at least take credit for it.
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Complied? - 09/22/2004 04:58:50PM CST (09/22/2004 05:58:50PM EST)
Posted By: Curtis
Boy, I sure am glad Jordan "complied" with this article...what does that mean anyway?
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Uh, I think you mean "COMPILED"... - 11/16/2004 04:52:42AM CST (11/16/2004 05:52:42AM EST)
Posted By: Jordan's Beard
I don't know what CURTIS is talking about...it clearly says "COMPILED" in the article header...
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Made of code - 11/16/2004 04:52:42AM CST (11/16/2004 05:52:42AM EST)
Posted By: Jordan's Beard
Uh...I was always under the impression you were. Made of code, I mean. Kevin and I are still finding bits of it in his couch from the last time you visited - he'll be all "Ouch! There's something sticking in my butt!" I'll say "What, you mean your preconcieved notions about everything?" And he'll say "No! Feels like a piece of code or something!" He'll pull it out, and sure enough, it's code.
I mean, good grief. You crap out fully functional motherboards, man.
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HAHA - 09/23/2004 09:07:22AM CST (09/23/2004 10:07:22AM EST)
Posted By: That Chick
You guys are mild/moderately Retard. - 5 stars
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Re: Complied? - 09/23/2004 11:52:13AM CST (09/23/2004 12:52:13PM EST)
Posted By: Jordan's Beard's Brother's Not-Really-Beard, from Holland
Yes, Curtis, Jordan DID comply with this article. He was temporarily possessed by The Nullset to put together this article because the previously mentioned dusty "old articles" have grown moldy from lack of reading. The Nullset is a living, breathing thing! It said back in May that it was lonely! The Nullset even convinced Jordan to move all the way to England for a year to study really old stuff and launch a European bureau for the Nullset News! Do you honestly think Jordan (or Jordan's Beard) would actually DO that out of his own free will?
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MuSt CoMpLY - 09/24/2004 05:55:43PM CST (09/24/2004 06:55:43PM EST)
Posted By: Desi's $0.02
!~~Begin Random.Geeky.Compile.Rant~~!
Compile My.Website.Code
::Compiler Compliance Error 406 "your code is a pile"
Compile -ForceSLoppyTableCompile My.Website.Code
OK Compiling Tables.Pile.Code
::Compiler Compliance Error 417 "expected hackfree.counter"
Compile -ForceIgnorExploits(Like M$) My.Website.Code
Attempting Recompile..... OK.
Run My.Website.Code
::Compiled Executionist Error 403 "ALL YoUr r00t B3L0nG t0 U$"
Debug -NonCompliant -Pile My.Website.Code
::Debug.Compiler Error 404 "they deleted your code"
Frantic -Retry
::Debug.Compiler Error 410 "Nope. It's gone"
WordCount(Like Compiled OR Complied)
Total = 16 Not Bad!
!~~End Random.Geeky.Compile.Rant~~!
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That didn't work - 09/24/2004 06:02:41PM CST (09/24/2004 07:02:41PM EST)
Posted By: Desi's $0.10
!~~Begin Random.Geeky.Compile.Rant~~!
Compile My.Website.Code
::Compiler Compliance Error 406 "your code is a pile"
Compile -ForceSLoppyTableCompile My.Website.Code
OK Compiling Tables.Pile.Code
::Compiler Compliance Error 417 "expected hackfree.counter"
Compile -ForceIgnorExploits(Like M$) My.Website.Code
Attempting Recompile..... OK.
Run My.Website.Code
::Compiled Executionist Error 403 "ALL YoUr r00t B3L0nG t0 U$"
Debug -NonCompliant -Pile My.Website.Code
::Debug.Compiler Error 404 "they deleted your code"
Frantic -Retry
::Debug.Compiler Error 410 "Nope. It's gone"
WordCount(Like Compiled OR Complied)
Total = 16 Not Bad!
!~~End Random.Geeky.Compile.Rant~~!
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correction - 11/16/2004 04:52:42AM CST (11/16/2004 05:52:42AM EST)
Posted By: Jordan's Beard
::Complied Executionist Query 403 "/-\11 YoUr r00t /-\r3 B3L0nG t0 U$"?
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Angry Flamers - 09/27/2004 03:21:46AM CST (09/27/2004 04:21:46AM EST)
Posted By: V01D
Yeah, I`d just like to make it clear to the readers about Wade here, and flamers in general. If it were anyone other than the designated site flamer (and a person I've known half my life) I would probably hunt them down, crap out a motherboard and throw it at their unsuspecting head and take over their bank account and cause their online auto-payments to fall 1 penny short on each payment so they get charged late fees. But seriously, all three of the founding tribunal don`t care about the Wade flames and find them frankly pretty funny. Though we do appreciate the concern and all =D
And yes, I'll be adding a rating system. And I may or may not be adding option profiling. I really personally hate logging into a website just to post a quick comment, thats why its not there yet. It was that way by design. And then blogs came along and agreed with that design....
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- 10/01/2004 09:28:22AM CST (10/01/2004 10:28:22AM EST)
Posted By: LampShade
how bout that one time there was an article written by a lampshade.....and it was good
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- 10/01/2004 09:43:49AM CST (10/01/2004 10:43:49AM EST)
Posted By: LampShade
LONG LIVE THE CRAZY INTERNET MACHINES!!!!
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Motherboard? - 10/01/2004 08:26:15PM CST (10/01/2004 09:26:15PM EST)
Posted By: Desi thought about being here, but left
Dude!!! Crap me a motherboard!!! Make it one that supports the new intel 775 pin config, and has lots of goodies like an onboard subwoofer, and an onboard LCD!!!
Man, you're like that goose that pooped gold eggs!
Hey, do you need to eat a lot of sand to poop out all that silicon?
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Let me Love You, Jordan's Beard! - 10/05/2004 05:56:28AM CST (10/05/2004 06:56:28AM EST)
Posted By: Anonyjumous
Jordan's Beard, you are my god. Will you sign my bra strap? jk I see you there through the window, you don't look all THAT busy... jk
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* Due to excessive bot spam, this feature has been disabled for now.
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